#27 - the big day

Here's the big day captured in photographs:

June 29, 2014 started off with me finally sleeping in one day this week!! At 10am I poked my head out of my room to find streamers covering my entire living room, bathroom and bedroom door! My beautiful roommate Susie surprised the heck out of me by gorgeously decorating our home!

I then sat down and enjoyed my first birthday present, a beautiful mug and green tea from Nikaido, my favorite tea shop in Steveston/Richmond, BC gifted from my lovely student, Camille. 

I trekked on over to my Dad's place and along the way got a surprising voice message from The Doss' singing me Happy Birthday! My dad cooked his infamous crepes that are simply to die for and I got given a birthday cake with the most candles I have EVER had on a cake at one time. 

Next up was the racetracks, Jen and I found some fancy old cars to hang out by. 

Ciders, tea, take out, gorgeous horses and laughs filled the afternoon at the racetrack.

Next on the list was Gastown, and while stepping outside to receive a special birthday wish, I found this little yellow ladybug and hung out with it for awhile.  

The surprise of a lifetime came next when my half sister Lorelei showed up to my complete and utter surprise.  I burst into tears as soon as I saw her.  It was the first time I had seen Lori in about 20 years.  A few fabulous friends and our other sister Megan were in on the whole plan.  This day went from outstanding to extraordinary! I couldn't have ever asked for a more perfect day!  It was a dream come true to connect with Lori and get to introduce her to so many fabulous people.  We reconnected like no time had passed at all and it was so amazing to hear about all of her fabulous adventures and travels.  She is truly one of a kind!

Feelin' the love at Alibi Room. 

Finally we got to Pourhouse and were serenaded by the most amazing jazz band ever along with fabulous cocktails and fancy food.  It was a heavenly way to end the evening!

If I learnt one thing in my 20's it was that change was inevitable. 

Now entering my 30's the new theme is expect the unexpected and relish in it. 

Thank you for all of the exquisite Birthday wishes that came from far and wide, you all made this day absolutely unforgettable!  

#26 - friendship

When I look back at the last 10 years of my life.  One through line that has remained constant without the slightest of waverings is friendship.  We've all heard the, "your friends are a reflection of you and are mirroring back what already exists in you."  Which is a concept that makes my heart sing.  But I also think friendship is a complete and utter gift and the people that show up in our lives do, so that we may venture together to tackle the most heroic, epic and blissful moments of our existence.  Our friends are there to recall for us just how far we've come when we've forgotten, they see us in our greatness no matter the circumstance, they won't let us ever have less than we deserve and they forever hold memories of hilarity and crazy experiences that we shall never forget because they keep them alive for us.

When I think of all of the friends I know and have known in this lifetime, each one of them has left an imprint. A deep mark that has altered the way I see the world.  I am forever changed by the people who have shared moments with me and stayed with me to say "its ok, you'll get through it, tomorrow is a new day."

You never know what you are going to get from a friend, what gift, realization or insight they are going to offer that will open up a new world of opportunity inside of you.  But what you can bet on is that they will always be there, regardless if its too late too early, too cold or to wet.  Friends never need a reason to be because they just are, forever and always.

Thank you to:

Lesley, who has opened up a world of feminine honouring and power I am forever grateful for.

Grace, who is the epitome of a friend who can just be with you no matter what you are going through.

Andrew, who reminds me of my greatness every single time I talk to him.

Daniela, who I have shared some of the most hilarious and rawly painful moments of my life with and who still loves me no matter what.  Thank you for Lisa Loeb and Goo Goo Dolls on repeat.

Yuen, who is the greatest and most consistent friend and best movie date ever!  I will never forget sneaking into a second movie with you in highschool late night after hours.

Marianne, who loves me to pieces no matter what and supports everyone in her life to fulfill on their dreams and on top of that has the most beautiful family ever.

Shirin, who I can forever count on to tell me how it is without fail and who will never let me have less than I deserve.

Payam, for being the coolest man my best friend could have ever married.

Ryan, who lights up the room and is the best and most competitive board game, bocce and beer pong player I have ever met.

Jen S. for embarking on the journey of a lifetime with me in this last year and who constantly reminds me just how magnificent each day and moment on earth is.

Susie who is the best listener and happiest person I have ever met and have the pleasure of getting to see every day!

Melody who is always game for an adventure and is one of the raddest people I know who can and will do anything and everything and inspired me to do the same.

Rohan who I feel like I've been through a lifetime of great things with already and its only been 2 years of knowing you. Can't wait for whats next.

David for being the kindest and most powerful example of love and what it means to be love in this world.

Jen A. for creating some of the best travel memories ever in europe and for being one of the most positive and supportive people I have ever known.

Ainslie for your grace and openness to share your knowledge wisdom and love for the world with me.

Steve L for being the fiercest man who does absolutely anything he puts his mind to and inspired me daily to do the same!

Jordan for not letting me get away with my BS ever and for having some of the best phone chats ever together.

Terri for being the most energetic and inspiring bold woman I am forever proud to know.

Arash for your openness and willingness to embark on a giraffe adventure with me and for laughing and reminding me to be light with myself all of the time!

Amber for being a constant graceful reminder of love, support and full expression in the world.

Odette for allowing me the space to be me no matter what the circumstance and for being the most exquisite example of connection and aliveness in the world and in family.

Wendy for being my soul sister, tea drinker, late night talker and heart and soul. I love you to the ends of the earth.

Kristina for the best solstice parties in the world and for wanting the world to be a better place and being an example that it can and will be, no matter what.

Brit for being the most hilarious, loving, kind, thoughtful and fiercest male diva in the world. You make each day better for everyone.

Sophie for being a constant reminder of the beauty that exists in each moment we experience.

Mark D for opening up a world in me that I am eternally grateful for and for sharing some of the most exquisite moments with me in just one week.

Tony for being the best big brother I could have ever asked for.

Kelsey for being my concert buddy and someone who truly loves all of the people closest to her with her entire heart.

Tay for being my birthday twin and one of the coolest cats I know.

Jessica for exuding such love and light in the world such that every person who comes in contact with you is that much better for having met you.

Stefan for sharing your talents with me and the world with such openness.

Michael K the other MK whose beauty and light touches an entire room of people and who I adore going to dance class with because he reminds me daily that its all for the fun of it!

Hugo for being my ballet watching partner in crime and for some of my most memorable convos to date.

Melissa for making every single situation more fun than I could ever imagine!

Candace for the honour and pleasure of being a part of your life for the last 10 years!

Julie L for showering me with love and for sharing your art with me so gracefully.

Camille for you beauty, grace and friendship.

Lori for being the most eloquent and articulate big sister ever.

Noam for seeing the world for all its beauty and your ability to make every person on this earth be so fully heard and seen.

Mika for being the best little sister and roommate in Mexico. I shall never forget the wild adventures we find ourselves on!

Cathy for some of the most fascinating and life changing conversations I am forever grateful for.

Kate for our lives crossing at some of the most unique and fabulous moments ever, and for the laughter that constantly erupts whenever I see you!

Day for being a powerhouse and unending support for your friends, you are one of a kind.

Court for exuding beauty and light in every moment no matter the circumstance.

Pfer for being the best papa bear in the world.

Elizabeth for creating opportunities for me and for the world to feel their best each day on earth.

Mark H. for believing in me and for your generosity and kindness.

Wil for being an example of someone who says and does it all no matter what.

Parjad for your friendship, great conversations and wanting art to be shared with everyone.

Yvonne for capturing the most exquisite moments of life ever and for sharing your talents so openly with the world.  You are so appreciated for who you are.

Elena for being a constant friend and for being able to pick up exactly where we left off 15 years later.

Donna for being the most generous and thoughtful woman I know.

Megan for being the best friend I could have ever asked for in this lifetime, having you as my sister is the icing on the cake!

I have missed many, so this list is just a start.  Thank you to everyone who has shared themselves with me over drinks, tears, laugher, fears and anything else that life throws out there to remind us just how lucky we are to have friends.

#25 - greatness

When we think of how we see people in the world, or more specifically the people in our lives that we have close contact with, do we tend to see them as big people who can do big things or do we tend to make decisions for them thinking we know better?

It's a tough question, that whole act of giving advice because we care about the people in our lives and want the best for them.  In western culture we're very good at masking and mistaking the act of caring for another with the actual act of dominance or diminishment.

Take a look for yourself.  Can you remember a time when you wanted something for someone and pushed your advice on them in a caring manner in order to get them to achieve the outcome that you wanted for them?

In the last few weeks I've learnt that I do this a lot.  I put on this act that I want the best for the people in my life but what I really learnt this past weekend in the Communications Course I attended is that in doing so, I'm actually suppressing and robbing the people I care about of the experience to choose and decide freely for themselves.  Thats pretty nasty isn't it?

So when I really looked deeper into that, what shows up is that I am holding people as small and unable to make decisions for themselves such that they need someone to sweep in and save the day for them and tell them how things should be..... Yuk!  That totally trumps what I actually am committed to for people in the world, which I mentioned in my very first post:

My desire is that every single human being on this planet live a fully expressed life realizing and expressing their passion and true gifts in this world.  So if I'm standing around "knowing better and telling people what they should do" I am completely and utterly squashing any original, authentic and full self expression from other human beings.

The world and our lives are filled with outstanding and extraordinary human beings who are capable of the most unbelievable things and if we start speaking to each other as those kinds of big people instead of diminishing and dominating them in order to be right, then we'll indefinitely start to see a world free of war, hate, pain and sacrifice.

Thank you Jen, for giving me the space to see that I was robbing you of your light and for staying by my side to redesign an already rock solid friendship into an even more brilliant sister-ship than I ever could have imagined!

(Vancouver Aquarium)

#24 - my sister

(3D Movie in Toronto)

My sister, Megan, is unequivocally the most incredible woman I have ever met.  And I don't say this just because she's put up with me following her around for most of our childhood together wanting to do everything she did just so I could be like her.

Many of you know her and know how fabulous she is already.  But for those who don't, let me paint a picture of her.

Megan is fearless, she goes for everything in life with her whole heart.  There is no one foot in one foot out with her.  She tackles life with every ounce of her being and even when life can seem a little defeating or uncertain, she is there reminding herself and you that tomorrow is a brand new day and that things are going to be okay, they always are with her.  

(Yes we did a Gem and the Hollograms throw back one Hallowe'en)

When she knows I'm going through a rough time she'll keep her ringer on, even though she's 3 hours ahead in Toronto, incase I need a pep talk in the middle of the night.  She is generous kind and loves everyone in her life with her whole heart.

Even after moving to the middle of Canada, Megan stayed hellbent on our family staying together as a family.  Just as I was wandering into the world of, oh well we'll all get back together one day, she was there to remind me that we could be together even if we were in different parts of the world.  She truly has been the thread that has kept our family together, all the way from Toronto.

When she has your back, she has it.  There is nothing she won't do for you.  And man is she the best wing woman ever!  Even after being happily married for two years she'll still strut her stuff in a bar and walk up to a cute guy only to say "You seem pretty fabulous, would you like me to introduce you to my amazing sister, Meredith?"

Megan is a stand for everyone knowing how great they are and owning their greatness and man does has she ever been my teacher on this lesson. For those of you who are familiar with Brene Browns book, Daring Greatly.  My sister is the epitome of living life from "wholeheartedness."  She sees the value in every single human being on the planet no matter what past or present they may have been living and she speaks in such a way that they are heard, seen and acknowledged.

(Ballet competition)

We spent our childhood in highland dancing competitions, dance lessons and competition numbers where we were often paired in duets like our horse and carriage number and pink and blue unitard jazz duet.  We went through voice lessons, musical theatre, swim club, and loved to bead for hours on end, watch old school Hawaii FiveO reruns, fight over whose turn it was to be on ICQ, steal each others clothes, watched rom coms together and worked our way back together as comrades when teenage angst turned us on each other momentarily and often.  We shared a room like champs growing up and used to fall asleep holding hands on our criss cross bunk beds.  We cuddled our glow worms to sleep at night while staring up at the glow in the dark galaxy that filled our night sky ceiling.

I always saw my sister as courageous in following her dreams but also in traveling the world.  She inspired me to take off on my many trips to Europe solo.  She was always traveling somewhere amazing with her friends, headed off on some fabulous adventure.  This girl is fearless I tell you!

The laughter, the tears, the joys and the fears that have filled our infinite moments together here on this earth are a gift that I hold in my heart.  I love you dearly, Megan and am so honoured to have had the lifelong opportunity to grow up close to you, experiencing life by your side.

(matching my little pony outfits)

#23 - love, revisited

A brilliant man once shared with a room full of people that I was lucky to be a part of, the following on love:

"Love is loving all that a person is and all that a person isn't.  You don't get to choose the parts of a person you like and discard the parts that you don't.  And if you do, thats not really loving them, thats making them into the person that you'd like them to me and denying the rest of them."

Those 3 sentences altered my outlook on loving another person.  How often do we adore all the things we do like about a person initially and shudder inside by turning away from the things we don't like about the person to the point where all the things about them, including the things we did like initially start driving us crazy... A little too often, I think.

The man went on to say, "Do you know why you fall out of love?" to which we all shook our heads back and forth.  He answered, "It's because you stopped sharing yourself with them.  We are so good at  making it seem like they aren't the person that used to make us happy anymore and that they are the ones that have changed.  But its actually us that have stopped sharing ourselves with them." He then went on to say, "Go home and try it out.  Open up a conversation with your partner that you initiate. Share yourself with them.  Do you remember what it was like when you first fell in love?  You would talk on the phone for hours into the middle of the night, but the next day could you even recall what you had talked about all night?  Not likely, but you just remember that feeling of talking to them for hours on end.  You were sharing yourself with them then?"

This man was brilliant and he had a point.  He pointed to something.  That its so easy to cross our arms and with our body language say, "Hey, your not making me happy anymore." But when do we ever stop to consider that we might just have something to do with that?

This point he was onto, is the end of being at the cause of other people for your happiness.

(I found this on the sidewalk one day in 2012.  I often wondered 

how 2 years later this might have made its way onto the street and 

where the people in love might be)

#22 - for noam

(Through the Water by Noam Gagnon, Photo Chris Randle)

When I was 26 years old, I commissioned Noam Gagnon to create a solo on myself.  I was at the point in my career where I was looking to challenge myself to do something new and to see myself dance in a way that I had not previously considered I could.  I was awe struck by Noam's ability as a performer to say so much with just one simple gesture or movement of the arm.  His ability to fill a room with his presence and to leave the audience deeply impacted led me to ask him if he would consider working with me.

I will never forget that fall day in 2010 when we met to discuss the possibility of working together.  Noam asked me a series of questions that terrified me and at the same time blew my world wide open. He asked me, "How do you feel when you perform?" to which I answered "Strong, I think."  But on the inside I was trying to recall how I felt and felt like a fraud for not having ever inquired within myself, how I felt when I was onstage.  I mean, I had always thought of how I felt before I danced and how I felt after, but I had never once considered how I actually felt in the moment of performing and all I could recall in that meeting with him was that I physically felt strong in my body.  

(A friend later reminded me that I had only never considered that question because no one had ever asked me, and that I was not a fraud.  And now that I had had the experience of being asked, I could pass that experience onto someone else.  What a great way to look at feeling like you didn't know something you thought you should!)

(My feet after one week in the studio with Noam)

In our meeting together I went on to explain that I felt known for being a technically strong and physically dynamic dancer but that wasn't all that I wanted to be known for, I wanted to be able to connect to audiences with one simple gesture and to not have to feel like I needed to be busy and dynamic all the time in order to be captivating. 

And so that is where our work together began, exploring the absolute opposite of strength: vulnerability.

What ensued over our first 3 weeks in December was life changing.  Noam taught me to be present in absolutely every moment, to take the audience with me on a journey, to dig down into the deepest parts of my soul, further than I even knew I could go and to create a world that the audience was invited into.  Noam is a creative genius.  He taught me to perform from our second day together, performance was not something you added later, it is alive in you and was alive in me from our second day in the studio together.  Noam pushed and taught me to push myself farther than the limits of my mind said I could go, and its true, our only limitation is our mind.  We set out to make a 10 minute piece and by the end I had a uniquely tailored hair flailing stunning 17 minute solo that even I could hardly comprehend how I got through.  

In fact that was the whole point, there was no way to look at the end of the piece and think of how I was going to get through it.  That was simply not the point.  It was a journey, a world that was created around me that I traveled "Through the Waters" to experience.

Dance has literally never been the same since working with Noam.  I do not look at movement the same way anymore.  I see completely different possibilities and connections in movement and most importantly he taught me to never leave the work.  He was so on me about when I was present and when I was not.  Sometimes I'd have to repeat a movement ten times til I really dug down deep and found my presence in, under and between every single moment.  The experience was riveting!

Noam filled the room with generosity, wisdom and the space to let me explore my artistry.  It is a time I will never forget and am eternally grateful for.  Thank you Noam for seeing me for all that I could be and all that I am, and for capturing that so eloquently for audiences.  

(Photo by Yvonne Chew)

#21 - communication

I spent the weekend in a communications course that literally knocked my socks off.  To the point where the world is not the same place it was when I walked into the course on Saturday morning.

Want to know the biggest thing that I got?? I haven't really been listening to anyone ever...... and no I'm not the only one in the world, or in the course that wasn't. But I discovered that communication is actually listening.  Its not talking and talking and talking until the person gets what I said.  It is truly being with another person so that they are 100% heard and acknowledged.  Communication is not words coming out of two peoples mouths, communication exists in the space between us and we are creating it, it doesn't just happen to us and we partake in it.

I've been making up that people aren't listening to me when I speak, but the truth is, I haven't been listening.....

So how does that go, you ask?  Well communication is actually love and affinity. When we communicate with someone its because we want to be seen, heard and acknowledged.  And so receiving someones communication means being the space of love for someone to be received.  When we are in a space of anger, are we open to receiving?  Nope! We are resisting communication and resisting the other person so that they are not being seen, heard or acknowledged.  Ever have the experience that no matter what you say, the other person isn't getting it??  Well I learnt that thats because I wasn't really coming from a space of love with that person, I was coming with all my crap and then I built a nice little wall with all my stuff between us and said, "hey, communicate through this and then we'll see if I can hear ya"...... and of course I couldn't.

So whats new for me?  I can actually hear people now instead of hear them through the lens I was choosing to hear them through.  I used to spent 10 minutes trying to get off the phone with my mom and she would keep talking and talking and it would never end.... and all of a sudden now, I have the best 3 minute phone conversations with her and we talk about more than we ever have in just three minutes! How cool is that!

(my mom and I at my sisters wedding, August 2011)