#27 - the big day

Here's the big day captured in photographs:

June 29, 2014 started off with me finally sleeping in one day this week!! At 10am I poked my head out of my room to find streamers covering my entire living room, bathroom and bedroom door! My beautiful roommate Susie surprised the heck out of me by gorgeously decorating our home!

I then sat down and enjoyed my first birthday present, a beautiful mug and green tea from Nikaido, my favorite tea shop in Steveston/Richmond, BC gifted from my lovely student, Camille. 

I trekked on over to my Dad's place and along the way got a surprising voice message from The Doss' singing me Happy Birthday! My dad cooked his infamous crepes that are simply to die for and I got given a birthday cake with the most candles I have EVER had on a cake at one time. 

Next up was the racetracks, Jen and I found some fancy old cars to hang out by. 

Ciders, tea, take out, gorgeous horses and laughs filled the afternoon at the racetrack.

Next on the list was Gastown, and while stepping outside to receive a special birthday wish, I found this little yellow ladybug and hung out with it for awhile.  

The surprise of a lifetime came next when my half sister Lorelei showed up to my complete and utter surprise.  I burst into tears as soon as I saw her.  It was the first time I had seen Lori in about 20 years.  A few fabulous friends and our other sister Megan were in on the whole plan.  This day went from outstanding to extraordinary! I couldn't have ever asked for a more perfect day!  It was a dream come true to connect with Lori and get to introduce her to so many fabulous people.  We reconnected like no time had passed at all and it was so amazing to hear about all of her fabulous adventures and travels.  She is truly one of a kind!

Feelin' the love at Alibi Room. 

Finally we got to Pourhouse and were serenaded by the most amazing jazz band ever along with fabulous cocktails and fancy food.  It was a heavenly way to end the evening!

If I learnt one thing in my 20's it was that change was inevitable. 

Now entering my 30's the new theme is expect the unexpected and relish in it. 

Thank you for all of the exquisite Birthday wishes that came from far and wide, you all made this day absolutely unforgettable!  

#26 - friendship

When I look back at the last 10 years of my life.  One through line that has remained constant without the slightest of waverings is friendship.  We've all heard the, "your friends are a reflection of you and are mirroring back what already exists in you."  Which is a concept that makes my heart sing.  But I also think friendship is a complete and utter gift and the people that show up in our lives do, so that we may venture together to tackle the most heroic, epic and blissful moments of our existence.  Our friends are there to recall for us just how far we've come when we've forgotten, they see us in our greatness no matter the circumstance, they won't let us ever have less than we deserve and they forever hold memories of hilarity and crazy experiences that we shall never forget because they keep them alive for us.

When I think of all of the friends I know and have known in this lifetime, each one of them has left an imprint. A deep mark that has altered the way I see the world.  I am forever changed by the people who have shared moments with me and stayed with me to say "its ok, you'll get through it, tomorrow is a new day."

You never know what you are going to get from a friend, what gift, realization or insight they are going to offer that will open up a new world of opportunity inside of you.  But what you can bet on is that they will always be there, regardless if its too late too early, too cold or to wet.  Friends never need a reason to be because they just are, forever and always.

Thank you to:

Lesley, who has opened up a world of feminine honouring and power I am forever grateful for.

Grace, who is the epitome of a friend who can just be with you no matter what you are going through.

Andrew, who reminds me of my greatness every single time I talk to him.

Daniela, who I have shared some of the most hilarious and rawly painful moments of my life with and who still loves me no matter what.  Thank you for Lisa Loeb and Goo Goo Dolls on repeat.

Yuen, who is the greatest and most consistent friend and best movie date ever!  I will never forget sneaking into a second movie with you in highschool late night after hours.

Marianne, who loves me to pieces no matter what and supports everyone in her life to fulfill on their dreams and on top of that has the most beautiful family ever.

Shirin, who I can forever count on to tell me how it is without fail and who will never let me have less than I deserve.

Payam, for being the coolest man my best friend could have ever married.

Ryan, who lights up the room and is the best and most competitive board game, bocce and beer pong player I have ever met.

Jen S. for embarking on the journey of a lifetime with me in this last year and who constantly reminds me just how magnificent each day and moment on earth is.

Susie who is the best listener and happiest person I have ever met and have the pleasure of getting to see every day!

Melody who is always game for an adventure and is one of the raddest people I know who can and will do anything and everything and inspired me to do the same.

Rohan who I feel like I've been through a lifetime of great things with already and its only been 2 years of knowing you. Can't wait for whats next.

David for being the kindest and most powerful example of love and what it means to be love in this world.

Jen A. for creating some of the best travel memories ever in europe and for being one of the most positive and supportive people I have ever known.

Ainslie for your grace and openness to share your knowledge wisdom and love for the world with me.

Steve L for being the fiercest man who does absolutely anything he puts his mind to and inspired me daily to do the same!

Jordan for not letting me get away with my BS ever and for having some of the best phone chats ever together.

Terri for being the most energetic and inspiring bold woman I am forever proud to know.

Arash for your openness and willingness to embark on a giraffe adventure with me and for laughing and reminding me to be light with myself all of the time!

Amber for being a constant graceful reminder of love, support and full expression in the world.

Odette for allowing me the space to be me no matter what the circumstance and for being the most exquisite example of connection and aliveness in the world and in family.

Wendy for being my soul sister, tea drinker, late night talker and heart and soul. I love you to the ends of the earth.

Kristina for the best solstice parties in the world and for wanting the world to be a better place and being an example that it can and will be, no matter what.

Brit for being the most hilarious, loving, kind, thoughtful and fiercest male diva in the world. You make each day better for everyone.

Sophie for being a constant reminder of the beauty that exists in each moment we experience.

Mark D for opening up a world in me that I am eternally grateful for and for sharing some of the most exquisite moments with me in just one week.

Tony for being the best big brother I could have ever asked for.

Kelsey for being my concert buddy and someone who truly loves all of the people closest to her with her entire heart.

Tay for being my birthday twin and one of the coolest cats I know.

Jessica for exuding such love and light in the world such that every person who comes in contact with you is that much better for having met you.

Stefan for sharing your talents with me and the world with such openness.

Michael K the other MK whose beauty and light touches an entire room of people and who I adore going to dance class with because he reminds me daily that its all for the fun of it!

Hugo for being my ballet watching partner in crime and for some of my most memorable convos to date.

Melissa for making every single situation more fun than I could ever imagine!

Candace for the honour and pleasure of being a part of your life for the last 10 years!

Julie L for showering me with love and for sharing your art with me so gracefully.

Camille for you beauty, grace and friendship.

Lori for being the most eloquent and articulate big sister ever.

Noam for seeing the world for all its beauty and your ability to make every person on this earth be so fully heard and seen.

Mika for being the best little sister and roommate in Mexico. I shall never forget the wild adventures we find ourselves on!

Cathy for some of the most fascinating and life changing conversations I am forever grateful for.

Kate for our lives crossing at some of the most unique and fabulous moments ever, and for the laughter that constantly erupts whenever I see you!

Day for being a powerhouse and unending support for your friends, you are one of a kind.

Court for exuding beauty and light in every moment no matter the circumstance.

Pfer for being the best papa bear in the world.

Elizabeth for creating opportunities for me and for the world to feel their best each day on earth.

Mark H. for believing in me and for your generosity and kindness.

Wil for being an example of someone who says and does it all no matter what.

Parjad for your friendship, great conversations and wanting art to be shared with everyone.

Yvonne for capturing the most exquisite moments of life ever and for sharing your talents so openly with the world.  You are so appreciated for who you are.

Elena for being a constant friend and for being able to pick up exactly where we left off 15 years later.

Donna for being the most generous and thoughtful woman I know.

Megan for being the best friend I could have ever asked for in this lifetime, having you as my sister is the icing on the cake!

I have missed many, so this list is just a start.  Thank you to everyone who has shared themselves with me over drinks, tears, laugher, fears and anything else that life throws out there to remind us just how lucky we are to have friends.

#25 - greatness

When we think of how we see people in the world, or more specifically the people in our lives that we have close contact with, do we tend to see them as big people who can do big things or do we tend to make decisions for them thinking we know better?

It's a tough question, that whole act of giving advice because we care about the people in our lives and want the best for them.  In western culture we're very good at masking and mistaking the act of caring for another with the actual act of dominance or diminishment.

Take a look for yourself.  Can you remember a time when you wanted something for someone and pushed your advice on them in a caring manner in order to get them to achieve the outcome that you wanted for them?

In the last few weeks I've learnt that I do this a lot.  I put on this act that I want the best for the people in my life but what I really learnt this past weekend in the Communications Course I attended is that in doing so, I'm actually suppressing and robbing the people I care about of the experience to choose and decide freely for themselves.  Thats pretty nasty isn't it?

So when I really looked deeper into that, what shows up is that I am holding people as small and unable to make decisions for themselves such that they need someone to sweep in and save the day for them and tell them how things should be..... Yuk!  That totally trumps what I actually am committed to for people in the world, which I mentioned in my very first post:

My desire is that every single human being on this planet live a fully expressed life realizing and expressing their passion and true gifts in this world.  So if I'm standing around "knowing better and telling people what they should do" I am completely and utterly squashing any original, authentic and full self expression from other human beings.

The world and our lives are filled with outstanding and extraordinary human beings who are capable of the most unbelievable things and if we start speaking to each other as those kinds of big people instead of diminishing and dominating them in order to be right, then we'll indefinitely start to see a world free of war, hate, pain and sacrifice.

Thank you Jen, for giving me the space to see that I was robbing you of your light and for staying by my side to redesign an already rock solid friendship into an even more brilliant sister-ship than I ever could have imagined!

(Vancouver Aquarium)

#24 - my sister

(3D Movie in Toronto)

My sister, Megan, is unequivocally the most incredible woman I have ever met.  And I don't say this just because she's put up with me following her around for most of our childhood together wanting to do everything she did just so I could be like her.

Many of you know her and know how fabulous she is already.  But for those who don't, let me paint a picture of her.

Megan is fearless, she goes for everything in life with her whole heart.  There is no one foot in one foot out with her.  She tackles life with every ounce of her being and even when life can seem a little defeating or uncertain, she is there reminding herself and you that tomorrow is a brand new day and that things are going to be okay, they always are with her.  

(Yes we did a Gem and the Hollograms throw back one Hallowe'en)

When she knows I'm going through a rough time she'll keep her ringer on, even though she's 3 hours ahead in Toronto, incase I need a pep talk in the middle of the night.  She is generous kind and loves everyone in her life with her whole heart.

Even after moving to the middle of Canada, Megan stayed hellbent on our family staying together as a family.  Just as I was wandering into the world of, oh well we'll all get back together one day, she was there to remind me that we could be together even if we were in different parts of the world.  She truly has been the thread that has kept our family together, all the way from Toronto.

When she has your back, she has it.  There is nothing she won't do for you.  And man is she the best wing woman ever!  Even after being happily married for two years she'll still strut her stuff in a bar and walk up to a cute guy only to say "You seem pretty fabulous, would you like me to introduce you to my amazing sister, Meredith?"

Megan is a stand for everyone knowing how great they are and owning their greatness and man does has she ever been my teacher on this lesson. For those of you who are familiar with Brene Browns book, Daring Greatly.  My sister is the epitome of living life from "wholeheartedness."  She sees the value in every single human being on the planet no matter what past or present they may have been living and she speaks in such a way that they are heard, seen and acknowledged.

(Ballet competition)

We spent our childhood in highland dancing competitions, dance lessons and competition numbers where we were often paired in duets like our horse and carriage number and pink and blue unitard jazz duet.  We went through voice lessons, musical theatre, swim club, and loved to bead for hours on end, watch old school Hawaii FiveO reruns, fight over whose turn it was to be on ICQ, steal each others clothes, watched rom coms together and worked our way back together as comrades when teenage angst turned us on each other momentarily and often.  We shared a room like champs growing up and used to fall asleep holding hands on our criss cross bunk beds.  We cuddled our glow worms to sleep at night while staring up at the glow in the dark galaxy that filled our night sky ceiling.

I always saw my sister as courageous in following her dreams but also in traveling the world.  She inspired me to take off on my many trips to Europe solo.  She was always traveling somewhere amazing with her friends, headed off on some fabulous adventure.  This girl is fearless I tell you!

The laughter, the tears, the joys and the fears that have filled our infinite moments together here on this earth are a gift that I hold in my heart.  I love you dearly, Megan and am so honoured to have had the lifelong opportunity to grow up close to you, experiencing life by your side.

(matching my little pony outfits)

#23 - love, revisited

A brilliant man once shared with a room full of people that I was lucky to be a part of, the following on love:

"Love is loving all that a person is and all that a person isn't.  You don't get to choose the parts of a person you like and discard the parts that you don't.  And if you do, thats not really loving them, thats making them into the person that you'd like them to me and denying the rest of them."

Those 3 sentences altered my outlook on loving another person.  How often do we adore all the things we do like about a person initially and shudder inside by turning away from the things we don't like about the person to the point where all the things about them, including the things we did like initially start driving us crazy... A little too often, I think.

The man went on to say, "Do you know why you fall out of love?" to which we all shook our heads back and forth.  He answered, "It's because you stopped sharing yourself with them.  We are so good at  making it seem like they aren't the person that used to make us happy anymore and that they are the ones that have changed.  But its actually us that have stopped sharing ourselves with them." He then went on to say, "Go home and try it out.  Open up a conversation with your partner that you initiate. Share yourself with them.  Do you remember what it was like when you first fell in love?  You would talk on the phone for hours into the middle of the night, but the next day could you even recall what you had talked about all night?  Not likely, but you just remember that feeling of talking to them for hours on end.  You were sharing yourself with them then?"

This man was brilliant and he had a point.  He pointed to something.  That its so easy to cross our arms and with our body language say, "Hey, your not making me happy anymore." But when do we ever stop to consider that we might just have something to do with that?

This point he was onto, is the end of being at the cause of other people for your happiness.

(I found this on the sidewalk one day in 2012.  I often wondered 

how 2 years later this might have made its way onto the street and 

where the people in love might be)

#22 - for noam

(Through the Water by Noam Gagnon, Photo Chris Randle)

When I was 26 years old, I commissioned Noam Gagnon to create a solo on myself.  I was at the point in my career where I was looking to challenge myself to do something new and to see myself dance in a way that I had not previously considered I could.  I was awe struck by Noam's ability as a performer to say so much with just one simple gesture or movement of the arm.  His ability to fill a room with his presence and to leave the audience deeply impacted led me to ask him if he would consider working with me.

I will never forget that fall day in 2010 when we met to discuss the possibility of working together.  Noam asked me a series of questions that terrified me and at the same time blew my world wide open. He asked me, "How do you feel when you perform?" to which I answered "Strong, I think."  But on the inside I was trying to recall how I felt and felt like a fraud for not having ever inquired within myself, how I felt when I was onstage.  I mean, I had always thought of how I felt before I danced and how I felt after, but I had never once considered how I actually felt in the moment of performing and all I could recall in that meeting with him was that I physically felt strong in my body.  

(A friend later reminded me that I had only never considered that question because no one had ever asked me, and that I was not a fraud.  And now that I had had the experience of being asked, I could pass that experience onto someone else.  What a great way to look at feeling like you didn't know something you thought you should!)

(My feet after one week in the studio with Noam)

In our meeting together I went on to explain that I felt known for being a technically strong and physically dynamic dancer but that wasn't all that I wanted to be known for, I wanted to be able to connect to audiences with one simple gesture and to not have to feel like I needed to be busy and dynamic all the time in order to be captivating. 

And so that is where our work together began, exploring the absolute opposite of strength: vulnerability.

What ensued over our first 3 weeks in December was life changing.  Noam taught me to be present in absolutely every moment, to take the audience with me on a journey, to dig down into the deepest parts of my soul, further than I even knew I could go and to create a world that the audience was invited into.  Noam is a creative genius.  He taught me to perform from our second day together, performance was not something you added later, it is alive in you and was alive in me from our second day in the studio together.  Noam pushed and taught me to push myself farther than the limits of my mind said I could go, and its true, our only limitation is our mind.  We set out to make a 10 minute piece and by the end I had a uniquely tailored hair flailing stunning 17 minute solo that even I could hardly comprehend how I got through.  

In fact that was the whole point, there was no way to look at the end of the piece and think of how I was going to get through it.  That was simply not the point.  It was a journey, a world that was created around me that I traveled "Through the Waters" to experience.

Dance has literally never been the same since working with Noam.  I do not look at movement the same way anymore.  I see completely different possibilities and connections in movement and most importantly he taught me to never leave the work.  He was so on me about when I was present and when I was not.  Sometimes I'd have to repeat a movement ten times til I really dug down deep and found my presence in, under and between every single moment.  The experience was riveting!

Noam filled the room with generosity, wisdom and the space to let me explore my artistry.  It is a time I will never forget and am eternally grateful for.  Thank you Noam for seeing me for all that I could be and all that I am, and for capturing that so eloquently for audiences.  

(Photo by Yvonne Chew)

#21 - communication

I spent the weekend in a communications course that literally knocked my socks off.  To the point where the world is not the same place it was when I walked into the course on Saturday morning.

Want to know the biggest thing that I got?? I haven't really been listening to anyone ever...... and no I'm not the only one in the world, or in the course that wasn't. But I discovered that communication is actually listening.  Its not talking and talking and talking until the person gets what I said.  It is truly being with another person so that they are 100% heard and acknowledged.  Communication is not words coming out of two peoples mouths, communication exists in the space between us and we are creating it, it doesn't just happen to us and we partake in it.

I've been making up that people aren't listening to me when I speak, but the truth is, I haven't been listening.....

So how does that go, you ask?  Well communication is actually love and affinity. When we communicate with someone its because we want to be seen, heard and acknowledged.  And so receiving someones communication means being the space of love for someone to be received.  When we are in a space of anger, are we open to receiving?  Nope! We are resisting communication and resisting the other person so that they are not being seen, heard or acknowledged.  Ever have the experience that no matter what you say, the other person isn't getting it??  Well I learnt that thats because I wasn't really coming from a space of love with that person, I was coming with all my crap and then I built a nice little wall with all my stuff between us and said, "hey, communicate through this and then we'll see if I can hear ya"...... and of course I couldn't.

So whats new for me?  I can actually hear people now instead of hear them through the lens I was choosing to hear them through.  I used to spent 10 minutes trying to get off the phone with my mom and she would keep talking and talking and it would never end.... and all of a sudden now, I have the best 3 minute phone conversations with her and we talk about more than we ever have in just three minutes! How cool is that!

(my mom and I at my sisters wedding, August 2011)

#20 - italy

(with Andrea in Florence wearing covers because we 

weren't dresses appropriately to enter a church.)

When I was 25, I traveled around Italy and Greece for a month on my own.  When I shared with people both here and on my travels that I traveled on my own, I usually got one of a few reactions:

1. thats awesome, good for you!

2. your crazy, why would you travel alone!

3. what the heck is wrong with you, I can't see anything wrong with you but there must be something wrong with you!

Some people would tell me that its something they never could do and others thought it was awesome....well here is my experience.  When you travel by yourself you will get to know yourself in a way you never ever thought possible.  I got to know who I was without my usually support system, friends, familiar customs or vices around. When you are in a country where you don't speak the language and have to find another way to communicate and be understand, you really see who you are and how you get through situations (or don't).  And you find a compassion for yourself and for other human beings you might not have known you had.  I honestly took of to Europe on my own because all of my friends and boyfriend at the time had already gone the summer prior and when I decided to go in August (the most expensive, touristy and hottest time of year), no one else was interested in going with me so I went anyways.  

(The Via Dell'Amore (walk of love) in Cinque Terre)

The ability to get myself around a country that was unfamiliar to me, on my own, showed me that I really could do anything.  Sometimes I'm so glad for my naiveness in my early 20's because if it wasn't there I might not have been open to or have done a lot of things I did do, like travel around europe for a month by myself and think it was a good idea.

I had never drank a full coffee to myself at the age of 25.  I had no interest in it whatsoever. I thought it tasted like burnt crap and I had no idea why everybody loved it so much.  And then I went to Italy....  I remember walking into a cafe, where people stand along the bar and you sort of have to fight your way in to order and people are speaking very expressively in Italian and throwing their arms around.  I walked right in, put my 1 euro down and ordered a cappuccino.  The man placed it in front of me and I took one sip and gulped back in disgust, but I slammed the whole thing down because I had committed to it and then walked out of the cafe thinking, "I'll never do that again."

5 years later, I have finally acquainted myself with the flavour of coffee and appreciate a beautifully made cappuccino about once a week.

(Florence)

Italy has a particular special place in my heart.  Maybe its the food, maybe its the wine, maybe its their expressive culture but something really connects me to it and I have no Italian lineage that I am aware of in my blood.  So perhaps its the passion that is so beautifully present in every aspect of their culture and daily life that I am so attracted to?!  This much I do know, I will live in Italy for at least a year of my life at some point.  I will live by a vineyard and sit out in the garden overlooking the beautiful rolling hills in the countryside with a fresh cappuccino in my hand, breathing in the sweet smell of olives from the olive trees nearby. 

(near Greve in Tuscany)

#19 - signs

All of these signs have showed up for me at a time in my life when I really needed to be reminded of their message.  I hope that sharing them with you brings something that you needed to be reminded of...

Chicago, 2014

Cambie St. 2014

Burnaby, 2013

Cambie St. 2013

Main St. 2014

#18 - why dance?

People often ask, why dance? Or why choose to do something that ultimately is such a "tough" career to be in.  But what is tough?  Is it doing something that has no guarantee or has a concrete expectation of  a set future?  When you think about it, is any career really set or stable?  Is anything in life actually guaranteed?  I  know many of us, including me would like to think so and have tried to control things in life to a point where I thought that they were set and certain and couldn't change, but then life gets in there to remind us all at some point that there is nothing to have control over, all there is, is to be alive.  And being alive means rolling with the flow of life.  So if your flow takes you down a path that people don't quite understand the inner workings of how its possible, does that mean you sway from it and go do something that is more understood and tangible?  Or do you listen to those inner voices/dreams/visions that are leading you to what you were meant to do on this earth?

And what if dance is your calling?  What if images bombard your dreams while you sleep at need that are urging to find a way out of your mind and into a form of physical expression in the world?  What if you've tried to subside those artistic bursts and they just keep coming on stronger and stronger until they have found a way out of you and into the world?  What if those visions are a gift and your true gifts being expressed in the world?  

My hope for all of humanity is that people express themselves fully.  That no one holds in or hides what they are good at and what they love to do, or sells out to do something "guaranteed" over their true gifts.  Maybe its asking a lot, but it makes me sad to think that we stop ourselves from doing what we truly love because its not "accepted" "good enough" "respected" "responsible" and so on.  I think ignoring and denying ourselves of our true expression in life leads to a very unhappy society.  

Yes it takes courage to discover your true gifts and even more courage to follow through on them.  But it is possible.  So screw that little voice in your head that tries to tell you its not.  That voice is only there to keep you safe and small and doing the same old thing you've always been doing.  It's not a fan of change or growth because it doesn't like being "uncomfortable" or going into the unknown.  

  

This video brings tears to my eyes every time I see it.  Thank you to the brilliant filmmaker who captured the essence of my time in the studio with Karen Jamieson and what it is like to work with someone as brilliant as her and to dance fully, expressed and joyously.

#17 - age

Age is a funny thing.  When we're young we want to be older, when we're older we want to be younger.   Is there ever a right age to be?  We've never been taught to just be happy being where we are.  No wonder there is so much internal upset when we're struggling to be something we're not half the time and ultimately resisting who we actually are.

I read this fantastic bit of information in a book by Louise L. Hay.  Louise proposed the question, "What age do you believe you begin aging at?"  Hmmm thats an interesting one, there are so many sources of influence.  What you heard your parents say about aging, what you heard your grandparents say about aging, what you saw and assessed was happening in other people as they aged, what media says about aging (something along the lines of maintain your youth at all costs....)

What I love about what Louise is tapping into here is that whatever your mind believes, your body will do.  So when do you believe you start aging?  Can you paint that picture to being 70, 80 or 100 instead of everything going "down hill" at 55 like society tells us?

When exactly do those aches and pains and "bad" eyesight start showing up?  No, I'm no doctor here and I'm not here to argue with cell deterioration, but I invite you to try this concept on and ask yourself when you believe you start getting old.  Notice what shows up in your experience in your body.  If you believe that even at 30 parts of you are "supposed" to stop working, are they then already doing that?

Louise has a second proposition: your body is telling the story of your life.  Meaning that everything that shows up on the physical plain is an expression of something going on mentally.  If your interested in this concept, read Louise L. Hay's book, You Can Heal Your Life.  Its a fascinating read.

After a lifetime spent connecting to my body on a daily basis, noticing when I hurt, where and why and working to open back up the spaces in my body that would rather stay closed off and not have movement flow through, I couldn't help but notice the times when I would get sick or get an injury that often correlated with other events in my life.  Some were forms of self sabotage showing up.  Just when life was looking a little too good and I didn't think I could handle it all or deserved it all, something would take me out of the game like sickness or injury.  It was a little too hard to ignore that these instances were just coincidences.  This is where Louise's work came in handy for me.  I began to see that my mental beliefs were often the cause of physical ailments.  And when I became aware that I was causing them to happen, they started to shift.

So why is this mind/body connection so scary for some people?  Well it challenges us to take on responsibility for our own well being.  I think sometimes we want to hand our health over to the professionals and say "Here please fix me" when in Louise's work, whatever is showing up for your physically is a result of your mental experience in your life.  Meaning that its something thats there for you to address in order for your to heal.

I'll tell you this much, our bodies are intelligent.  We spend our whole lives in them and we still haven't tapped out on discovering the infinite things we are capable of.  And our bodies are trying to tell us something, if we would only listen.

I invite you to take a look for yourself, what is your body trying to say to you?

(Thank you to David for our Monday afternoon tea date that inspired this post.)

Watercolor painted in 2012 

#16 - Nova Scotia (and my brother in law)

I have had the pleasure of getting to know a side of Canada I may not have otherwise ever visited if it weren't for my sister marrying a man named Wil, who grew up in Peggy's Cove in Nova Scotia.  Since Wil became a part of my life 6 years ago, I've had the chance to visit the Maritimes for two summers and two winters.

Nova Scotia

But let me tell you about my first trip there... It was December 2010, I had just finished a 2 week process in the studio with Noam Gagnon creating a solo for myself.  It was the most intense and core churning process where I literally felt like my insides were being twisted and turned inside out so they could be hung on display for the audience to see. Sounds gruesome right? But it actually was the most gratifying experience being in the studio with such an incredible and exceptional man and artist like Noam.  And it was the most exquisite experience to let "my insides show" and invite people to look with me at what "made me up, on the inside."  (more on that piece in another post).

So I finished the process with Noam, arrived home exhilarated and exhausted, packed my suitcase til 1am and got up 3 hours later to get on the plane to Nova Scotia with my dad.  We literally hit the ground running when we landed, not only was my sister over the moon to show us all of the things she loved about Peggy's Cove, but Wil, my brother in law has the biggest family I have ever personally heard of.  He has 8 Aunts and Uncles who have kids, who have kids. His family is HUGE!  And what does that mean on Nova Scotia terms?  Well for those of you who know or have been, are smiling right now, and for those who don't ~ that means that for 3 days straight I met the kindest, most considerate and most curious people you could imagine.  They genuinely want to know everything about you, including your cats name, your dogs name, your grandmothers maiden name and everything else in between.  I was in a state of shock. Never had I ever had so many people ask me so many questions about my life!

I was used to the "Vancouver" conversations of, "What's your name? Were you born here? What do you do for work?" and then if the person is interested in anything I answered about those three categories we may continue talking and if not, then they "politely" find a way to end the conversation and move on to the next person to talk to.  Am I right Vancouver?  Has anyone else experienced this? I mean come on, sometimes when we don't "seemingly" have anything in common with the other person after those three questions, we get very good at "dropping" people and moving on.  We aren't very practiced at digging deeper out here, just sayin'!

It's funny because Wil had always mentioned that he struggled connecting with people out West and commented that people were very hard to get to know.  To be honest I passed it off as him just being weird (sorry Wil!).  But traveling to Nova Scotia changed that perspective entirely.

Any of you who are performers know that when you've exerted yourself and really been vulnerable or truly let yourself be seen, there is sort of a going within that follows suit from the performance.  Its an internal time where you need to regroup.  So here I am in Nova Scotia thinking, "I'm on holiday now, I'll get my internal time."  But it never came.

After day 3 of meeting family and being bombarded by questions, I didn't come out of my room.  I stayed out of sight til about 2pm when finally someone came knocking on the guest room door and in all honesty I thought it was my sister coming to give me shit for not being social.

But it wasn't, it was Wil.  To this day I have never forgotten this moment in my life.  He poked his head in and asked me if I was okay.  I sat there, shook my head and said, "I have no idea why everyone wants to know so much about me!"  Wil laughed, like really laughed and said "Oh, let me explain."

Wil shared with me that people in Nova Scotia are extremely friendly and they know everything about each other.  They leave their front doors unlocked and open.  Its not uncommon to get out of the shower and see the cousin of Uncle Phil and Aunt Betty sitting at kitchen table having a cup of coffee after having let himself in. If you need something for baking you don't drive the 4 miles to the store you call up your neighbour and ask if they have it and they bring it over in their measuring cup that you'll return later.  People say hi and wave to each other on the road. You pull over when you see someone you know and have a chat out the window with them. I was exposed to a whole new experience of community and family and connecting with people on that holiday.

Peggy's Cove

One time Megan, Wil and I were lost trying to find our way to a Sheep/Wool Farm and we kept losing service on our phones.  Megan and I frantically tried to connect to the GPS and after many failed attempts Wil said, "You'll have to find out like we used to in the old days, now go on get out of the car and run up that driveway and ask those people in that house how we get there."

Seriously when is the last time you asked a stranger for directions?? I couldn't recall for myself at the time, it had been ages.

The thing is, I fell in love with this way of living.  A part of me could really see me settling down in the country side and being a part of such a connected community. (Kind of like Little House on the Prairie, haha.) But no joke I really connected to this countryside way of living where you know you neighbours well and they are a part of your life.

Most interestingly I was stunned to realize that I didn't know half of the answers to the questions that I was asked for the people closest to me in my life that I spend the majority of my time with.  I had some homework to do and some people to REALLY get to know...

Thank you Nova Scotia for "inquiring within", I'm glad you did!  And if you've ever been thinking of making a trip there, DO IT, you will never be the same afterwards!

Megan and Wil's wedding in the cove.

#15 - uncomfortable

A woman named Sophie, who was first a mentor, then became a very good friend and co-creator, is first and foremost a woman who solely sees the beauty in the world and constantly celebrates the joy in every moment.  I admire her greatly and it truly is a gift to know her and have had the opportunity to work with her in an artistic capacity.  Where I would stop and say, "No this isn't it, or its boring, or no one is going to want to see this movement on stage," she taught me to see the possibility in each moment and quite literally altered the way I create in the studio.

But one of the biggest lessons I learnt from Sophie came at her house where I was invited to spend the afternoon with her family, including her two beautiful children that are literally balls of energy being nurtured and expressed in absolutely every moment.

I arrived at the front door dressed in a purple summer top and was greeted warmly by Coops, who immediately started bouncing off the wall showing me the coolest flips I have ever seen.  Posie however gave me one look over and stormed into her room.  But what happened next is where the magic lay.  Sophie taught me something that day about our feelings as she addressed her daughters "upset."  She simply talked to her little girl and had the most adult conversation I had ever heard over whether Posie was feeling comfortable feelings or uncomfortable feelings.  There was no right or wrong or good or bad.  This little girl had expressed that she was upset that she wasn't wearing purple like me and wanted to match.  In a mere few moments the upset was resolved.

What fascinated me was that there was no "giving in" or catering.  But what there was, was complete freedom of expression and Posie was able to A - be heard and B - identify what was going on for her.

So where am I going with all of this?  The terms of emotions I related to, until that day were in categories of "good" and "bad."  The good feelings were welcomed, accepted and I should even share and express that I am feeling them to other people.  The bad feelings are not good, they are unwelcome, I shouldn't have them and since I shouldn't have them, I shove them down and pretend they aren't there.
Eek!

So what became possible for me that day is if I relate to my emotions as being comfortable or uncomfortable, they don't come with any definition that they are accepted or unaccepted.
They just are.

And so in not hiding the "bad" feelings anymore, and learning to just be with them, I can now identify when I am uncomfortable and deal with it.  Rather than my former course of action of hiding from the "bad" emotion, covering it up then slapping a good old smile on my face and trying really hard to be present with people but actually being really fake and truly not me, at all.

So whats my new game? It's called get uncomfortable with yourself.  In our society we are so engrained to feel the good feelings and hide the bad.  Which ultimately leads to the greatest unhappiness because a part of us is then completely not heard or expressed and starts fighting us from within to be seen, causing way more turmoil than was ever necessary in the first place.

So let the uncomfortableness out! It isn't so bad and it actually stops having a hold over you when you do.

Thanks little Posie for teaching me this one and to Sophie for being such a gift to your family and to the world.

Thanks Nova Scotia for this sign :)

#14 - fathers

When I was 22, my boyfriend Mike and I went to go see an Astrologer together to have our charts read.  It was an unusually fascinating experience.  It wasn't a reading into the future and fortune telling of what was to come in our lives at all.  Instead it was a looking back at the alignments that occurred at our births (based on the date, exact time and birth city) that then brought certain events into our lives. 

Sounding wacky and out there for some of you? Well maybe, but what the astrologer did share with me rocked my boat.  She proposed that your parents don't choose you, you choose your parents.  It was a funny thing to hear, especially because birth, from a medical perspective seems like something that your parents made happen (if we're talking consummation.)  So this concept twisted my thinking at first.  But she went on to explain that in astrology, its considered that you chose the members of your family, they didn't just happen to you.  This certainly rattles any teenage angst of being pissed at your mom and dad for being your parents and bringing you into this world.  It sure puts the responsibility back over here with me, when I try on this perspective.  

She went on to explain that you chose the people that you did to learn the lessons you need to in this lifetime and they are the people you learn them with. 

When she looked at my chart, she pointed to some aspects within the different planets and said "You see your father as both parents."  I turned my head sideways at her for a moment and gawked.  How could this have been written in the stars on the day I was born and then come to pass without my conscious knowledge only to have this woman telling me something that was so blatantly true about my life?  Well to be honest, I still haven't figured the answer to it out and have instead surrendered it to the mysteries of the universe. 

I do, did then, and have always seen my father as both parents (even though I grew up with my mom and dad together under the same roof until I was 16).  My dad is my knight in shining armour.  He quite simply is the most generous, patient and giving man I have ever met.  When it comes to his two daughters there is nothing he won't do for us, he is a 'Yes Man' through and through.  

My dad made sure that we had everything we needed to make our dreams come true.  After breaking my leg at 16 and my parents splitting up all in the same summer, I finally decided I needed to return to dance because I needed my creative outlet.  Minus his huge financial set back due to my parents separating, he put together a budget in a heartbeat and I was back in ballet class training 5 days a week in a matter of weeks.  

People often say that my sister and I must have grown up in a really artsy household since we both have careers in the arts.  I laugh when they do because my dad is a mechanical engineer and my eyes still glaze over to this day when he rattles on about his work because I just can't seem to wrap my brain around all the math, numbers, measurements and preciseness.  I do however, find extreme joy in watching him get super excited over his work.  So my answer to people is that my dad was an example that you do what you love.  He went to work every day elated to get there and start solving the next problem. At home my favorite memory of him was him sitting at his drafting table, happily puzzling over a problem while drawing precise lines with that magical table.  It wasn't even a question from what I saw growing up, you simply do what you love.  

Now match that with my mom's fiery persistence and value that you never give up on anything ever, and you have two daughters that pursued their dreams in their chosen passions.  

The astrologer also pointed out that my dad and I are very similar and see things the same way and that we have a very similar energy and way of being.  I have always felt this unexplainable affinity to my dad, like we just know and understand each other without words.  

My dad used to be an avid skier before my sister and I were born.  And he pretty much put his mountain time aside when he began to raise two little girls who needed to be driven from Langley into the city for ballet classes, voice lessons and musical theatre multiple times per week.  About 5 years ago he came home from work one day and said, "Meredith, I'm going to go up the mountain and ski." I was a little shocked as it had been 30 years since he'd spoken about skiing but told him to go have fun.  He picked himself up a pair of skis from a garage sale and was gone for the day.  When he came back he said, "That was awesome, but everyone is on snowboards now, and I've got to try it." And so, after a 30 year hiatus from the mountain he returned to the slopes and taught himself how to snowboard by watching YouTube videos! 

On Sunday June 15, 2014 when we celebrate our fathers and thank them for who they have been to us. I say thank you to my dad, my hero, the guy who can do anything and who would give the shirt off his back just to make sure someone else had what they needed.  I would by no means be the person I am today without you in my life.  

Dad, I am glad I chose you!

My father, Eugene and I. 

#13 - the simple things

So often we spend so much time looking forwards in life for the big things to happen, the epic events, the glory, the moment where we know that if that one thing could just happen then finally we'd be happy.

Does this sound familiar?  Well it's all too familiar to me.  Except living this way, I realized I was missing out.  I was missing out on all the awesome, amazing, brilliant, beautiful, melancholy, auspicious and simple things that were happening all around me in every single moment.  Sometimes when we are focused so far ahead at that one thing that we are attached to having happen, we miss out on the life that surrounds us.  And its a beautiful one surrounding us, let me tell you.

Would any of us be happy going to sleep tonight and waking up 10 or even 5 years into the future. Imagine waking up at that big event we had been waiting for our whole life, with no recollection of how we got there. Would we be happy to have just arrived all of a sudden?  I think not.

So here's a game to play today: Notice. Notice the little things happening around you and see how many of them you can notice.

Notice the simple things. Notice the kid riding his bike down the street screaming his lungs out because today and right now, this really is the best moment of his life.  Notice that you got to be a part of that moment with him.

Notice the person next to you on the bus, yes put down your phone that absorbs so much of your attention and fails to give you love back but you keep being addicted anyways.  Put your phone down and notice the person next to you on the bus, notice how they see the world, look at it through their eyes.  

Notice how you interact with the people around you.  Notice when you smile at the world how much it smiles back at you.


Thank you Curtis, for helping me notice.

This little guy showed up outside Chez Moi & Susie's.

#12 - love, continued

Remember all the way back to Day #4 when I posted this postcard and asked the question:

 

"What does it look like to develop the heart?"

Well, life really is synchronistic, especially when you pose a question to the universe and then find yourself in a conversation a week later that offers you an explanation to your question! 

Special thanks to Jessica for offering this little gem of insight :)

The answer came in this form: "In North America we are taught to focus on, value and honour one type of love: the man/woman relationship and expression of love.  We are taught from a young age by society/views/media that this is the main type of love to focus on and achieve.  

But in other cultures around the world, there are many kinds of love, and they are cultivated within the members of those cultures from a very young age such that love is an expression that is all around them and not just dependent on another man or woman being there for love to be present.  

Rumi and many other poets wrote countless examples of expressions of love for nature, love for our brothers, sisters and cousins, our homes, our land, our connection to nature and on and on so that we could cultivate an understanding of love in many different forms.  

What perhaps, is missing from our North American view on love is that when someone like our mother expresses her love for us, we're conditioned to not even recognize it.  We are programmed to not see all of the love that is already present in our lives, from the many different sources. 

When I pause and think about that for a minute, I realize that love is not something outside of us to be achieved. You don't need a "partner" to have love be present in your life.  

"Lack" of love starts to disappear when its existence doesn't depend on another human being as its source and we begin to understand that love is already within us.  As my sister and Wendy like to say, "you are love."

Perhaps then the truest form of love starts to emerge where we create relationships with all the different people in our lives from being love on the inside versus needing love from the outside to feel like we are enough?

Could this be what it means to "develop the heart?" I think so.

#11 - love

For tonight I will leave you with this.  More on Love tomorrow.....

#10 - The Doss Family

9 year ago I hopped on an Amtrak train to spend the summer dancing in The Project, a summer intensive working with choreographers from all over the world where the dancers participate in original creations by 6 of the choreographers.  Gioconda Barbuto was there that summer (she created a stunning sextet with three tall long legged goddesses paired with three short vivacious men, you can imagine how brilliant it was just from that description), along with Thaddeus Davis, a choreographer who altered the way I looked at the working relationship between dancer and choreographer.

Before I get ahead of myself with the dancing part of the summer, Amtrak was delayed in Seattle (as it usually was back then), and that delayed train brought the one and only, Wendy Doss into my life.     I arrived in Portland to the brightest, most bubbly and excited woman ever, holding a hand decorated sign with my name on it.  I was partly shocked.  But Wendy and Pfer welcomed me into their arms and into their home that day and summer to what ultimately became annual visits for years to come.

But I soon learnt that this was no special treatment for some Canadian girl who walked off a train and into a city she would fall in love with over and over again.  The Doss Family has an open door policy that has changed the way I look at letting people into my life.  Before meeting them, I was resistant to letting new people in, they had to earn their way or prove themselves. It was a series of measurements and tests I hadn't even realized I'd built up to protect myself from others.  But man am I glad that delayed train brought those walls down!

The #1 Rule of staying with the Doss' is that you do not go to bed without hugging everyone and the first thing you do when you wake up is say good morning and hug everyone.  For someone who grew up being able to slink off to my room when I didn't want to see anyone before bed and got away with it, this was a shocker.  But a shocker I came to love.

The #2 Rule of staying at the Doss' is that you share.  No, you are not forced to share, but when there is so much damn love and sharing going on all around you, it rubs off on you.  Any Green Grinches that walk in the door disappear pretty quickly in that house.

Rule #3, you express your feelings and thoughts whatever they are, you do not go to bed angry, you just get it all out.

Rule #4, you are family. (I go back to my beginning point of this not being special treatment for just me.) I soon learnt that the Doss Family has a webbing that extends far out into the world, a webbing of beautiful people that float in and out of that overflowing warm house who have shared in the joys, laughter and sorrows that pass through all the lives in the web.  You are always welcome back anytime and usually that time comes when you need a sanctuary, a safe haven or a little refuge from life to get re-centered. To talk it out, work it out and to remember what life is all about, no matter how much your current situation stinks.

Rule #5, drink gin and tonics with Papa Pfer, or else!  Well that rule isn't entirely true but its definitely a pre-requisite.

Wendy, Papa Pfer, Brit, TayTay, Court, Ty, Aliyah, Bryce, Janay, The Robinsons, Liz, Jace and all the little guys whose hugs I cherish, thank you for being such a beautiful example of connection and love in the world.  I am forever touched to know all of you and be part of the family. My life would not be the same without you.